


When the tears come

by secretlyhuman



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, F/M, Gay Steve Rogers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Pepper Potts, self hate, steve and other people, steve gets into fights, steve gives bucky anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-05-13 12:00:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretlyhuman/pseuds/secretlyhuman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve wakes up in the future and realises what he knows is gone. He misses the past he knew but most of all he misses Bucky.</p><p>What happens after the end of the line?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic and I'm slightly terrified rn!  
> Sorry for any mistakes and I hope you like it.

Steve Rogers has become the face of liberalism in the USA. He makes Republicans shit themselves in fear. How can you claim socialised health care and vaccinations are anti american when Captain America disagrees. At several press conferences Sam Wilson has had to drag him from the mic when Steve sets his mind to convincing people of what is right.

\---

"Mr America, what's your opinion on the legalisation of same sex marriage?"  
The reporter shoves a microphone in the tall man's face. He stops his run for a second.  
"I think it's wonderful" He offers the reporter a shaky smile then continues, footfalls heavy on the ground.

As he runs away the smile breaks. Each time he closes his eyes all he can see is Bucky Barnes' face. They made a promise and he broke it. He left Bucky and now all that's left is the Winter Soldier. What can he do after the end of the line.

* * *

  
"How do you feel about being a queer" Steve was slumped up against a wall and as the bully spat out the question a sharp kick landed in his ribs. A small trail of blood dripped down his face.  
"Where's your boyfriend?" Another kick landed and he barely flinched, he was too far gone. Eventually, the bullys got bored, Steve wasn't going to be fighting back any time soon. He just sat there, blood on his knuckles, head in his hands. All he could think of was how disappointed Bucky was going to be, he'd promised, no more fights.

\---

He was in the alley for a while before Bucky found him, too scared to move.  
"Bloody hell, Stevie, you promised me." The words were no more than a whisper but Steve still flinched, peering out from between his fingers.Bucky hoisted him onto his hip and started the arduous process of hauling him back to the shoebox apartment they shared. He mumbled half fledged sentences to Steve about how scared he'd been for him (again). Yet Steve barely moved, skinny limbs loose, eyes unfocused.  
"Stevie, listen to me. This has to stop." Bucky stared at him, solemnly. He was scared. This happened far too often. Bucky was terrified for the day he didn't find Steve or found him too late. He deserved so much more than bleeding out in an alley. He couldn't bare the thought of losing Steve, he was all he had.

"I promise Buck -- I'm with you 'til the end of the line..." He fell forwards into Bucky's arms. Eyes closing and there was only darkness.

\---  
In Steve's dreams he didn't need protecting, he wasn't Little Stevie the neighbourhood kid you had to look out for . He was Steve Rogers and people knew his name, his full name. They respected him. He wasn't scrawny or beat up and his ribs didn't ache. He didn't have to fear for the day he couldn't pay the hospital bill. In his dreams, Bucky was his and he didn't get hit for the very idea. He mainly dreamt of Bucky, the curl of his hair, the bow of his mouth. He dreamt of the way Bucky's muscles felt under his hands and the smile he reserved only for Steve, his Stevie. He dreamt of a world where he could hold Bucky's hand.

Not that he would ever tell Bucky, not in so many words anyway. Bucky deserved better than a scrawny queer of a best friend and Steve hated it. He'd change it all in a heartbeat if it meant he and Bucky would be together until the end of time. He would do anything for him. And it wasn't that he thought Bucky would react badly if he found out, he just never wanted to have to hear that he didn't like him like that and he never would. Bucky was a real ladies man, not a queer like him. He would never hurt Steve for the way he felt but he would never feel the same way either and Steve knew it.

\---

Bucky Barnes sighed from his head to his toes as laid Steve on the couch. If he didn't wake up soon he would have to take him to the hospital again and they couldn't afford that. They'd already had to buy Steve a new inhaler that month, they were barely scraping enough together to eat, let alone to fix Steve up again. Bucky just decided to start bandaging him up and hope for the best.

He went to the bathroom and fetched a wet cloth and some bandages. Dropping down next to Steve he picked up a small hand, dragging his thumb across bleeding knuckles. Proof Steve had got at least one good hit in. He felt Steve's breath hitch and he dropped his hand.  
"How you feeling there Stevie? Do you need to go to the hospital?" The worry seeped into his tone, the edges of his voice dull.  
"M'fine. Promise"  
"Sleep while I patch you up, okay Stevie." Bucky picked up his hand again and started gingerly dabbing at the scrapes with a cloth. He wasn't gentle quickly cleaning the cuts on Steve's hands and arms. He didn't care if it stung maybe that would teach him, how could he keep doing this them. It didn't just hurt Steve, it hurt Bucky as well.  
"I need to check your ribs now Stevie." He gingerly unbuttoned the soft shirt, Steve's eyes fluttered open.Bucky sped up, mumbling to Steve about how he promised it would all be okay. He pressed Steve's ribs and stomach, checking for any damage, feeling the tense muscle underneath. He thought of anything but the situation he was in. He couldn't think of Steve like that - especially not when Steve was there, practically underneath him.  
After he was done he lifted Steve up with practiced ease, holding him close. He walked slowly from the couch into the bedroom, pulled back the sheets and lowered him down. He was careful not to jog him, arranging the pillows and sheets around Steve's body. All Bucky had to do for now was to let Steve he'd be fine in the morning. He always was.

* * *

  
Steve Rogers stood a tall 6' 5", broad-shouldered and fair haired. People would stare as he walked by on the street, he just had that kind of effect on people. And he felt so helpless trying to find a good apartment in his old neighbourhood. He really didn't want to have to move to D.C. He didn't like it's streets or its politics or the fact that it meant he would always be near SHIELD. He knew if he moved to D.C they pretty much owned him, he was tired of being controlled.

So instead he was in another overpriced Brooklyn apartment with shitty light and exposed pipes. Apparently, even being Captain America couldn't get you a good apartment quickly, especially not on his soldiers salary. He thought of one last place he could try from his old neighbourhood. He remembered the owner of the club he and Bucky used to go to rented out the top apartment, maybe his son would remember him from the old days.

He knocked on the door and it slowly creaked open. A girl in her mid-twenties peeked cautiously through the gap.  
"I'm sorry ma'am, I was a friend of Ethan Gills. I've just moved back to the neighbourhood and I was wondering if you still rented out the top floor.  
"Who are you? Ethan Gills is eighty six, what do you want with him."  
"Like I said I'm an old friend, please let me talk to him I promise I mean no harm."  
She chewed nervously at her lip, anxious at the thought of letting the tall stranger into her apartment. "Fine." The door swing open as she grabbed his arm and dragged him through the familiar apartment, into a narrow room.

An old man sat on a plush arm chair and the room smelt of leather and old books. The man squinted. "Oh my, little Steve Rogers, I heard you were back and my how you've grown since the war." The words fell out in a raspy tumble and Steve was glad the man recognised him, he couldn't bare losing another friend.  
"I hate to ask this but do you still rent out the top apartment. I need somewhere to go and after all this time everything's a bit different." It was said with a smile but he couldn't stop the sadness creeping in on the edges of his speech.  
"Anything for you Stevie, after all, you were the first." Steve couldn't help but see the lanky teen boy he'd known in the forties. That boy was just like Steve, with a mouth to big for his body and a disregard for what people expected of him. Steve had always thought that if things had gone different he might have ended up with Ethan Gills. He wasn't Bucky, of course (no one was), but at least he reciprocated Steve's feelings.  
"I'm sorry, I never came back and I'm sorry I didn't call when I did."  
"It's alright Steve, it really is. And you can have the top apartment no problem. Tell Sall to give you the keys."

Steve's shoulders dropped as he left the room and it was all he could do not to let out a muffled sob at the thought of someone else he'd left behind. Sall didn't interrupt him as he left first dropping two keys into his hand then guiding him to the front door. She looked up at Steve with those big brown eyes and tried to get a handle on what she now knew.  
"Come back tomorrow at two and it'll be ready for you." A pause and then "Will you be alright for today, Mr Rogers?"  
"M'fine, my hotel's booked for another day anyway. Thank you so much, tell Ethan that as well. . . And call me Steve." With that he walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

After leaving Ethan's apartment Steve decided to explore the Brooklyn he knew before heading back to his room. He had lied to Sall, he wasn't staying in a hotel he was staying in Stark tower. He felt so damn awkward about the whole damn thing really. He had never really gotten along with Tony and then there was the whole Ultron situation. Steve wasn't sure of much in this new version of New York but he knew Manhatten wasn't his home. Maybe being in Brooklyn made him stronger, Steve thought to himself, it was liike he could feel the power of his home coursing through him. He felt like he could save the world as long as he was home. For a moment he pictured his old apartment, its threadbare furnishings with Bucky draped artfully over the couch. He knew no matter what he did he would never be home again, not really.

He wandered around Brooklyn for a while, trying to spot what was old and what was new. The club ran by Ethan's father was now a pub filled with old-timers, greying forty year olds that Steve didn't recognise. His and Bucky's old apartment was no longer there, replaced with gleamingly new flats. He didn't know much of the neighbourhood now, it seemed.  
"Help!" Steve heard a yelp from an alley way and suddenly he was running aware of the fear in the strangers voice. This was what he knew. This was familiar to him, a punchout in a Brooklyn alley. He found her quickly pressed up to a wall by a man who was all muscle and no brain. Steve knew his type, he'd been beaten up by enough of them back in the day. The women squirmed under the sweaty man's grasp, gasping for air.  
"I don't think the lady likes you sir, maybe you should move away." Steve stood tall at the entrance to the alley, light haloing around him.  
"Fuck off, queer." Steve flinched at the slur that was far to familiar.  
He re-squared his shoulders. "I said move away and I meant it." Steve rushed forward, ducking low. He felt the satisfying smack of his shoulder hitting the man's gut and they tumbled forward. He heard the womens feet hit the ground as she ran. While Steve was focusing on her getting away safely the attacker had gotten on top of him and was straddling him while swinging wild punches. He thought out of a course of action and with a steady determination he swung his head forward into the man's nose. He felt the blood spurt and the man slump, he felt what he had done.  
"No means no, dickhead." Steve refrained from slamming another kick into the man's side, he hated bullies they were the worst kind of person. He slumped up against the brick wall and called the police. Calmly, he explained what had happened and that yes he was that Steve Rogers and no he was fine and did not need an ambulance. He was reminded of every other time he had been slumped in an alley with blood on his hands. This was the first time that this was someone else's blood though and this time there was no Bucky Barnes to save him.

* * *

  
Bucky always told Steve not to get into fights and he tried he really did. But Steve Rogers hated bullies and he could never let them win, not without a fight. And in Steve's head fights meant Bucky, it waas how they had met after all. Scrawny 10 year old Steve had picked a fight with someone twice his size and Bucky had found him getting beat. He'd saved him so many times after that, but the first time would always be special. Bucky had pulled Steve up off the ground and wiped the blood from his cheek.  
"You aways getting your self into fights like that, punk." Bucky had grinned at him with a smile that lit up the alley.  
"Only to get saved by guy's like you, jerk" Steve had bit his lip.  
"I'm Bucky."  
"Steve"  
And that was that.

* * *

  
The police came five minutes after his call. They picked up the man knocked out on the floor and brought Steve to the station. Although Steve's claims were dubious at best no one really wanted to charge Captain America with assault, it just didn't seem right. They left him in an interview room with some antiseptic wipes for the cut on his face. Steve just sat there and took it, at this point he didn't even care if they charged him; he just wanted something, anything, to distract him from the fact that this time Bucky wasn't coming.

\---

"Are you kidding Rogers." Tony's hand slammed down on the table his face turning purple with rage. "This isn't the forties, you can't just get into street fights. When the media gets hold of this you are dealing with this and no one else. This is the reason we aren't trusted. Move out, Steve."  
"I am, Stark" He spat the word like an insult. "I'm not a child and the man was hurting a dame. When did you lose sight of who we are fighting for."  
"We are not fighting strange men for mysterious dames - get your head out of your ass, Cap."  
Steve stood up and walked away as Tony continued to shout in the background. He was done with being treated like he was five.

\---

Pepper found him three hours later surrounded by burst punching bags.She made a note to tell Tony who had thought the new design would be able to withstand Steve at full strength. It had not been able to, clearly. She found him hidden in a corner with blood on his knuckles and dented walls.  
"M'sorry Pepper. I didn't mean to hurt the walls I just ran out of bags." He didn't look up at her and for a minute she was annoyed at Tony for not picking up on the fact that Steve was acting out because he was hurting. She could see the fear in his eyes, the worry that she would turn against him.  
"It's okay, Steve, I'm here now. Let's go get you cleared up." He stood up of his own accord, knowing she couldn't lift him. He gripped onto her wrist like a scared child and she didn't question it, leading him through the tower to his room and sitting him on the bed.

She got an antiseptic wipe and dabbed at his wounds with dainty fingers and he didn't flinch at all.  
"What's wrong Steve, this isn't like you."  
"This is exactly like me, Stevie Rogers the Brooklyn boy, always getting into fights." He said the words bitterly, like being Steve Rogers was a curse.  
"Anything else?" Steve realised that Pepper was genuinely concerned, that she was worried for him.  
"I miss Bucky, I dunno, I feel like if I act like I never left he'll just swing round the corner and yell at me for picking a fight I couldn't win, y'know." Steve shrunk into himself, looking any where but Pepper. He was scared that she was judging him for the fact that he wasn't always a stoic soldier.  
"Tell me about Bucky."

* * *

  
"He was tall. His hair was kind of wavy and a bit too long because we never had a good pair of scissors and he didn't like it shaved. You knew he was happy because he'd give you this lop-sided smirk and it made you feel like all the pieces were finally falling into place. It didn't just work on me, he couldn't go anywhere without turning the head of a pretty girl. He knew it as well, he made it his mission to kiss every pretty girl that looked his way. He was always trying to get me a date and it would never work. I was a lanky short kid with a permanent cough. And they thought I was a queer, who knows, maybe I am. But Bucky never cared about any of that, he just wanted me to be happy. We lived in this tiny apartment and the couch was so thread bare it was pretty much just fluff. The kitchen was cheap and plasticky and he would always cook because it reminded me too much of my ma. We only had one bed and we shared it but we never told nobody and nobody ever asked. He would sleep on the couch when I was sick or real beat up and I could never sleep without him. And that's all we ever did.

He was the bravest, kindest man I ever knew and no matter what happens no one can take that away from me."

* * *

  
"You loved him didn't you."  
"Is that wrong?  
"Of course not."  
"I'd like to sleep now, if you don't mind" As Steve lay down he listened to the click of Pepper's heels on the tile floor. Guilt and embarrasment fought in his mind as he realised what he had just told her and his cheeks burned red. He wasn't ashamed, it was okay now in the twenty first century. He just didn't know how to get rid of the feeling that this wouldn't be what Bucky would have wanted.

\---

  
He got up at six the next morning and called Sam, Sam always knew what to do.  
"What's wrong, man. It's early." Steve exhaled slightly, relaxing at the sound of Sam's groggy voice.  
"I'm moving today and Tony's mad at me and I'm sad."  
"We should go for a run."

\---

The media tried to keep up with Steve as his feet hit the pavement. They yelled questions at him, pestering him about whatever news story was big that day. Normally people left him alone, but apparently the best time to ask him things was when he was trying to run. Instead of answering their seemingly random questions Steve just focused on keeping Sam next to him and putting one foot in front of the other. He always kept an eye on Sam. One time they had got seperated and Steve had got lost. He had been found two hours later in a state of terrifyed anxiousness with his head in his hands. Of course, a bloody reporter had found him, not an Avenger. The next day it had been all over the news, Steve hadn't run for a month after that. He was too scared of Manhatten; but today was different, today he would be moving if not home then damn near . That was what kept him going as he ran.

\---

"Where do you want this one Cap?" Sam's voice rang up, as he climbed the stairs.  
"Dump it anywhere, I'll find it eventually."  
"Got it."

Steve looked around the apartment. It had big windows in the living room, the light that shone through making it the perfect place to draw from. The walls were all scrappy brick and peeling paper and the floor was shiny wood. It felt like it had come right from Steve's past. It felt like home. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post this, I don't know when the next bit'll be either.  
> Also total warning for self-hate and sutff like that.

It was weird for Steve seeing Ethan Gills everyday, especially as before he had left in the forties he had pointedly avoided him. Ethan seemed to have forgiven him for all of that though and he was just happy Steve was back. Every day, after his morning run, Steve would head to Ethan's room and talk to him. They talked and talked, about politics, about the forties, about the fact that men could now marry men. It was nice thought Steve, to have someone from his home, another man out of time.

\---

"Stevie, can I ask you something?" Ethan's voice was slow and Steve tensed up at the loaded question.  
"Always, after all you've done for me."  
"What were we?"

* * *

  
Ethan Gills moved to the neighbourhood when Steve was 20 and he was two years younger. His father had opened a bar and it had ended up with the reputation of being the local fairy bar but Bucky and Steve would always go anyway because the booze was cheap and the patrons didn't care what any one else was doing. It was the third night they had gone when Steve saw Ethan. He was skinny, not fragile like Steve, not strong like Bucky. His hair was cut short at the sides and gelled over the top. His eyes were big and green and he wore soft patterned shirts. Steve alternately wanted to draw or kiss him but he could never say either of those things.

\---

One night when Bucky had gone out with (yet another) dame Steve had gone to the bar alone instead. He had sat at the bar sulking with weak, cheap beer. Ocassionly he would look up at Ethan, think to himself if Bucky can find other people why can't I. Finally he just decided he'd take the beating when it all went to shit and walked over to Ethan himself.  
"Hey, I'm Steve."  
"I'm Ethan. Aren't you usually here with someone else?" Steve stiffened at the question, thinking about how Bucky wasn't by his side. "Don't answer if you don't wanna."  
"Sorry"  
They talked the rest of the night, joking around. By the end of it Steve was comfortable, he didn't feel like his chest was going to explode. It was all going to be okay.

\---

Steve was no longer terrified every time Bucky went on a date, because now he could just go talk to Ethan. He knew, deep down, no matter which boy it was it was always immoral and he still loved Bucky but there were no expectations with Ethan. It was all new, exciting even. Ethan never asked about Bucky and Steve never explained, that was always the rule, some things were off limits.

\---

"So you're an artist, huh." A smirk flickered at the corners of Ethan's mouth.  
"Sure." Steve grinned back, he could be modest but he never was when talking about his art. Then before he could think it through "Want to come to mine and see."  
"Of course."  
That's how they ended up in Steve's (and Bucky's) bedroom, poring over Steve's beautiful sketches.  
"This is amazing, Stevie. I wish I was as talented as you." They looked up at each other, eyelashes casting dark shadows on pale skin. All Steve could think about was how plump his friends lips were. That couldn't be normal. He blamed it on the artist in his brain recognising all beauty but he knew it was more than that.  
"Buck'll be home soon, so I'm gonna have to ask you to go. M'sorry."  
"Nah, it's all right, my old man would be starting to worry anyway."  
They dawdled through the apartment in short, lazy steps, drawing out the inevitabe parting.  
"This was fun." Ethan looked down at Steve through those big, green eyes. Steve couldn't take it anymore.  
"Can I kiss you?" The words spilled out and the blush painted Steve red all over.  
"What?"  
"Nevermind, nothing, nevermind, please don't tell anyone. Please don't tell Buck."  
"Steve, look at me." Ethan pulled Steve's chin up lightly and pressed a soft kiss on his mouth. "This was fun." And then he was gone.

* * *

  
"You were the first Ethan. I don't know what else to say." Steve stared at the floor,scared of what was coming next.  
The old man in front of him paused for a minute. "It took me a while to realise I wasn't what you really wanted, that was Bucky, always Bucky."  
"I'm sorry, I didn't know what I wanted, I was just ashamed of what I was."  
"I know Steve, I know. Can you leave me to think for a bit?"  
"Of course."

\---

Steve had to go on a recon mission later that day and he could feel the tension in his bones. It was an important mission Tasha kept telling him, he couldn't rush it, he was going to be away for a while. He was always nervous before all his missions, he tried to convince himself. But this was different. He couldn't stop thinking of all the ways he had let Ethan down back when they were young. He just felt like he had let so many people down back when he was young and now he had to deal with eveything he had left behind. He was visably shaking by the time the plane landed. So he squared his shoulders, strapped on his shield and acted like nothing was wrong.

\---

The mission was not a success. To begin with it was perfect, Steve got into the base undetected. He got what he needed. But there had been an accident. Someone in the information department had mapped out the plans wrong. Captain America was in a Stark hospital in New York with a back full of bullets. The media was having a field day, the Avengers were distraught. No one knew how much Steve could heal from and everyone was scared that even if he could would he still be the Steve they knew.

\---

"M'awake."  
Moniters started beeping and the entire Avengers team came bursting through the narrow door of the hospital room the second they realised Steve was awake.  
"Man, never scare us like that again Steve or I'll have to kill you." Sam looked like he was somewhere between crying and grinning. Natasha stood quietly in the corner with Clint trying to convince her it would all be okay, her family was safe. Tony was silent, looking almost embarrased at the fact he was there also.  
"Sorry." Steve said it with a loose grin, his words hazy from the pain medication.  
"It's okay just don't die on us, asshole." Sam pulled him into a somewhat awkward hug and Steve was just glad for the family he had.

\---

It was a week before he was let out of hospital. One arm still in a sling, back covered in bandages and purpling bruises. But Steve insisted he was healthy and that the best thing for him now was his apartment. No one agreed with him but keeping Captain America locked in a hospital was easier said than done.

\---

When Sall opened the door mascara was streaked down her face and her eyes were puffy, fear hit Steve like a punch to the gut.  
"Shit. What's happened?" The blonde man tried to rush forward but was stopped by the worrying pull of stitches.  
"Grandpa died yesterday. Shit, I'm sorry, everything's a bit of a mess at the moment." She rubbed at her eyes and sighed.  
"Sall, it'll be okay. I'm sorry for your loss. Give me a shout if you need something." Steve offered a burst of platitudes to Sall, turning to go to his apartment. He could feel every footfall humming through his body as the tears welled up.

* * *

  
Steve and Ethan went on one thing that could constitute a date. They went to a local bar and drank, then went to Steve's apartment and kissed softly. It was the most two gay men in the thirties could get. Steve was amazed that even though they'd been drinking cheap beer the younger man's mouth still tasted like sugary sweet mint. It waspretty much perfect and yet when it was over Steve fought the urge to wash his mouth out with soap, to scrub his skin until it bled. He'd only just managed to get Ethan out of the apartment before Bucky got home.

\---

That night he slept on the couch.

* * *

  
Steve was so tired of mourning. He had to mourn so often that instead of feeling sad there was just now an empty space where he felt his heart should be. He sat on his bed with his legs crossed, unmoving. He felt like he no right to mourn for Ethan Gills anyway. Ethan Gills was a good man and he deserved better, Steve decided. So he just sat there completely still.

* * *

  
It couldn't last forever. Of course it couldn't but it was a nice thing for Steve to cling to while it did. When he was with Ethan he felt like he was lit up from the inside. When he was gone the disgust crept in, a few times Steve considered starting up old bad habits. He was happy to have someone else. Sometimes he even felt like he was worth something.

\---

It only took minutes for it to fall apart. Steve and Ethan were sitting on the couch, foreheads pressed together, mumbling into each others mouths. Bucky was out on another shitty date, he shouldn't have been home for another hour.

Except.

He came stumbling through the door, smelling like booze and sex.  
"Stevie, babe, I'm home." His eyes widened at the sight of the two boys tangled together in front of him.  
"Who the fuck is this! The fuck, Steve!" Bucky only cursed when he was really drunk so Steve scrambled away from Ethan as fast as his limbs would carry him.  
"This is Ethan and he is leaving." Steve mouthed the word sorry and tried to usher Ethan away.  
Bucky grabbed him by the arm as he left."Look, I don't know who you think you are but if you ever touch Stevie again... " He trailled off as Ethan bolted out of the tiny apartment.

\---

Steve didn't talk to Bucky for a week after the incident.

\---

"Look I'm sorry Steve. I just, I saw you with that guy and it made me so angry. I had to do something. I'm so so sorry, but god Stevie please talk to me again." Bucky's voice cracked and shook as he spoke. He was begging Steve, it was all he felt like he could do.  
"Okay, Buck. But why does it matter to you anyway." Steve practically whispered the words, his tone sharp.  
"I just .... Nevermind."

\---

Steve didn't talk to Ethan again.

* * *

  
He sat still for hours until all the guilt and the sadness felt like it would crush him. Then he cried so hard he thought he might pull his stitches.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late and so short I've been going through the motions a bit. I might have to make this ten chapters though as I didn't really advance the plot as much I had hoped I would but I just wanted to get through this chapter.

Steve was a ghost in his own apartment. He was so pale that it seemed you could see through his skin if he stood in the light. He didn't sleep and he didn't eat. He was terrified of what was going to come next so he hid away.

\---

It was Natasha that noticed Steve's dissapearance first. Of course, everyone was worried but no one else paid attention the same way. It was on the eighth day of his disappearance from the Tower that she decide to pay him a visit. She went and got some groceries, some medical supplies, she didn't know what he would need. She wasn't even sure if she was doing the right thing.

\---

"Steve, open your goddamn door." Tasha was yelling now.   
"Fuck it." She mumbled as she picked the lock.  
In her time, Natasha had seen a lot of things, but she was not prepared for the sight of Steve's wrecked apartment, the usually meticulous space was now covered in far spreading mess. She found him huddled under the covers of his bed, flinching away at the sound of her footsteps. It was worse than she had thought.   
"Steve I know you're there."  
"You can't prove that." The quiet voice filtered out through the blankets.  
"Okay, you are going to have a nap while I clean the apartment. Then I'm going to wake you up and you are going to eat something."  
"Whatever."

 

* * *

  
Steve and Bucky are tangled in each other's laps while Steve's mother looks on fondly. The two young children are prodding and squealing at each other. Sarah Roger's is just glad her scrawny son has found a friend that he can trust. She knows Steve will always be a little different but as long as he's happy she's okay with that. One day she hopes the Barnes kid'll love Stevie back.

\---

"Stevie," They are fourteen and Bucky says his name like a prayer and all Steve can think about is the way Bucky's hands feel. Steve is drawing him in messy charcoal, it makes Bucky look a little dangerous but Steve makes sure he is still soft.

\---

"So, I heard you were necking with Alice yesterday." Steve isn't jealous, just curious; no girls will even go on a date with him Sometimes he hates being little Stevie Rogers.  
"Why you jealous, babe?" Bucky says it with that little smirk that makes his heart skip a beat.  
"Jerk."  
"Punk."   
Steve wishes Bucky wasn't so casually affectionate (bordering on flirtatious) ; he doesn't know how to respond. It doesn't help that he has a massive crush on the jerk. He really wishes he didn't but he doesn't know how to stop.

\---

The war is getting closer and Steve can feel it in his bones. Bucky's going to leave him and he's going to be alone and he's so scared he can barely breathe.  
He's falling and the air's rushing past him. Bucky's next to him. He can feel the sticky blood on his wrists and his thighs, but he didn't, he couldn't. And Bucky doesn't even look sad anymore and they're both falling and

 

* * *

  
Steve wakes up with Natasha's hands on his shoulders.  
"It's okay. You're awake.It's okay." She's had the nightmares too, he can tell, the ones so vivid you wake up grasping and thrashing. He lets out a broken sob , it's the third one in three days and he just wants to sleep. To be able to close his eyes without seeing bleeding red lines and the air speeding past.   
"Let's get you up, get you some food." Tasha says it like a question but the firm hand on his shoulder tells him otherwise. Steve's okay with that though. It's the first time someone has tried to take care of him in a long time.

\---

  
"We need to talk, Steve, you can't carry on like this."   
Steve inspected Tasha over the table, trying to silently stare her down through red rimmed eyes.  
"This isn't okay." She spoke softly and just hoped Steve would listetn to her.  
Steve paused for a second. "Don't you think I don't know that, I just, I don't know what I'm doing anymore."  
After that they talked normally, though Steve still had his reservations.

  
\---

"I think you should move back to the tower."  
"I can't."  
"I know"

\---

"Tasha, I think there's something wrong with me."  
"Hm?"  
Steve's breath came short in his lungs. How could he tell her about the way he felt when it still felt so bitter in the back of his throat?  
"Steve, are you okay?" He felt her hand on his shoulder and the concern in her voice.  
"I'm gay." For a second it was like his ribcage fell inwards, like the bad chest infections he had as a child when no one thought he would make it through alive.  
"Okay, but you said something was wrong with you. It's not the forties anymore Steve that's not a problem."  
"But it's unnatural and wrong." Steve spat the words.  
"No its not, but I think you should start going to the VA again, you need to talk through this."  
"Are you sure that I'm not a monster." He slumped onto the table, defeated.  
"Of course."

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

This is just a quick note. Sorry I haven't updated this since last year and I probably won't update it for a while yet. I didn't really plan this out when I started so I didn't really know where to take it. I have half of chapter five written but I might need to edit like large chunks of one through four as well.Hopefully I will come back to this in the future but I can't promise anything, sorry.


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